눈물 ..

끝, 나의 끝은 아니지만 가장 사랑하는 이들의 끝이 다가오니 상당한 아쉬움 공허함이 가득이다. 한 것보다는 해주지 못 한 것이 그저 마냥 아쉽다. 하늘은 흐리고 공기는 맑은데, 코 끝은 쉽게 찡하고 눈물이 가득. 나의 서운함이 어느 것이건 원인이 무엇이건 위로해주는 친구들에게 다시 감사하다. 보고싶고 만나면 마냥 행복하고 사랑스러운 모습들에 다시 눈물 .. 

햇수와 무관히 얼만큼 몰랐는지, 당황스럽고 슬프고, 아프기도 한 만큼 그를 위로하는 친구들에대해 다시 감사하고 편안함을 느끼기도한다.

서러워서 울고 미안해서 울고 고마워서 울고 .. 아쉬워서 부족해서 마냥 행복해서 울고 .. 그리워서 보고싶어서 울고 울고 울고. 자꾸 울 것 같아서 큰 일이다 ... 

친구들 사랑해.

이따금 비 맞은 개같이 지쳐서 .. 기도하기도한다, 주 기도문. i've never been brave enough, or true to myself enough, or not have understood fully what was important. i've been too focused on the unimportant and considered them to be significant. i've had my standards in the wrong places and too stubborn to let you tell me otherwise. and so now i am sorry, sorry for misjudging you, sorry for leaving myself alone. but i'm glad and am without regret, as i can consider everything to be a lesson. everything is alright and perfect, except that i miss you and i will miss you forever. 

지금 생각해보면, 돌아보면 in retrospect 어떻게 그렇게 살았는지 믿을 수가 없고 기가차고 터무니가 없다. 불과 몇 주 전의 생활이지만서도 상상이 되어도 믿기지가 않는다. 친구들의 도움에 위로에 안정과 평화를 찾은 지금 모습에 그저 감사 할 뿐. 가족에게도 기대지 못 했건 꺼내지 못 한 이야기들. 아무에게도 나누지 못 할 것이라, 평생 혼자 안고 살으리 생각했는데, 나누고나니 아픔은 반이 아닌 제로로 희석되어 어느 순간 사라져버렸다.

i love you and i miss you forever. i miss you and love you forever. to be completely revealing, i expected us to spend the rest of our lives together. because i believe in fate and i thought you and only you are my fate. but as time pass my faith is somewhat fading but never enough to be gone. my faith is fading but it's still here, it will always be here, so i miss you forever.

listening to Helen Stellar Io for peace of my soul. 

such a perfect day.

have posted this video earlier this year. watching and listening to it today makes my nose sour. state of mind has been on levels of extreme comfort these recent weeks. finally found a plateau in the endless and vigorous hike. remembering the past five years, i cannot fathom how i have lived through the years. through the years without sharing, without letting go, with all that pain and difficulties, with all the tears and loneliness. it has been holding me back too far back. has been cutting me too deep for too long. 

every time i thought i have let go, but i was wrong. letting go never happened until now, until i have shared who i am with others. doing it alone was not possible. so thus i am left with great and immense feeling of gratefulness and with nothing else. 

many things happened over the years, many should have happened, and some should have happened earlier. either or, regardless nothing matters any longer. as i am content and grateful for where i am and for  who i am with. in this moment in time, nothing of the past no longer matters. so thank you, i owe it all to you, i truly do. with uttermost sincerity i owe my life to you.