엑스 마키나 (2015)

Ex Machina 
7.6
감독
알렉스 갈렌드
출연
돔놀 글리슨, 알리시아 비칸데르, 오스카 아이삭, 첼시 리, 미즈노 소노야
정보
SF, 스릴러 | 미국, 영국 | 108 분 | 2015-01-21
글쓴이 평점  


이 따위가 높은 평을 받는 이유를 알 수는 없지만, 이 만큼의 관심과 나의 분을 산다는 것 자체로 점수를 주리. A.I. 인공지능이라는 흥미로울 수 있는 현 시대의 주제로 예측 가능 할 만큼의 지루한 영화를 만든 것을 넘어 보다 저질인 점은 주제의 추악함만을 흥미요소로 관객들에게 던진다는 것. 사람과 신의 범위 따위의 뻔한 주제를 던져두고 그것에 대한 탐험을 연구조차 하지 않았으며 시간을 투자한 부분은 결국 혼란 속에서 중심을 잃은 개인들의 더러움 뿐. 

'인간은 무엇인가' 라는 질문은 누구나 할 수 있는 쉬운 질문. 답이 미묘하다하여 질문 또한 그러하지 않다, 아무나 던질 수 있는 질문을 던진 것일 뿐. 그것이 이 만큼의 관심을 부르는 것은 관객의 수준을 드러내는 것인가. 

search engine database 라는 현 시대의 관심사를 중심에 두고도 이런 겉 핥기 식 로보트를 만들어 낸 것은 실망 자체. 무한한 정보의 조합이 결국 인간의 성적 취향만족이되고 최종적 목적이 인간의 복제라는 투어링 테스트 따위라는 것 - 그것이 비판받을 목적인지는 별도의 질문이지만 굉장한 실망. A.I. 보다 흥미로운 data 라는 주제를 인간이라는 틀에 구겨넣은 것은 죄일 지다. 

 Ex Machina leans heavier on ideas than effects, but it's still a visually polished piece of work -- and an uncommonly engaging sci-fi feature. rotton tomato 공감 할 수 없는 반응이 더욱 당황스럽. 아이디어를 꿰 뚫을 자신이 없었다면 이펙트라도 재미를 주어야하는 것 아닌가. 

영상면으로도 자연의 경관 외에는 감탄 할 요소가 없다. 푸르름과 강박함 따위의 대조만을 제시. 그 조차도 재미진 볼 거리는 무. 거리감이나 각도의 움직임이 새롭지도 완벽히 클래식하지도 않으며, 그러하다고 배우들의 연기로 모든 것을 불구하고 볼만한 영화가 되지도 못한다. 

이것이 대중의 안목인 것인가, 믿기 어렵다. 믿고 싶지 않다, 무엇인가 흥미의 요소가 하나라도 있을거라는 희망으로 후반을 접어들었지만, 값 싼 피 따위로 클라이막스를 찍는 플롯은 영화를 끄게 만들었다. 


글을 적는 시간과 에너지가 아쉽다. 



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How to Parent Like a German

육아 2015. 4. 22. 08:55

http://time.com/3720541/how-to-parent-like-a-german/


How to Parent Like a German

mother rushing son to school
Getty Images

An American mom finds some surprising habits

The first time I went to a playground in Berlin, I freaked. All the German parents were huddled together, drinking coffee, not paying attention to their children who were hanging off a wooden dragon 20 feet above a sand pit. Where were the piles of soft padded foam? The liability notices? The personal injury lawyers?

Achtung! Nein!” I cried in my bad German. Both kids and parents ignored me.

Contrary to stereotypes, most German parents I’ve met are the opposite of strict. They place a high value on independence and responsibility. Those parents at the park weren’t ignoring their children; they were trusting them. Berlin doesn’t need a “free range parenting” movement because free range is the norm.

Here are a few surprising things Berlin parents do:

Don’t push reading. Berlin’s kindergartens or “kitas” don’t emphasize academics. In fact, teachers and other parents discouraged me from teaching my children to read. I was told it was something special the kids learn together when they start grade school. Kindergarten was a time for play and social learning. But even in first grade, academics aren’t pushed very hard. Our grade school provides a half-day of instruction interrupted by two (two!) outdoor recesses. But don’t think this relaxed approach means a poor education: According to a 2012 assessment by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, German 15-year-olds perform well above the international average when it comes to reading, math and science while their more pressured American counterparts lag behind.


Encourage kids to play with fire. A note came home from school along with my excited second grader. They were doing a project on fire. Would I let her light candles and perform experiments with matches? Together we lit candles and burned things, safely. It was brilliant. Still, she was the only kid whose parent didn’t allow her to shoot off heavy duty fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

Let children go almost everywhere alone. Most grade school kids walk without their parents to school and around their neighborhoods. Some even take the subway alone. German parents are concerned about safety, of course, but they usually focus on traffic, not abductions.

The facts seem to be on the Germans’ side. Stranger abductions are extremely rare; there were only 115 a year in all of America, according to the most recent U.S. Department of Justice study. And walking around without parental supervision, or “independent mobility” as the researchers call it, is good for kids.


Party when school startsOne of my Berlin friends once told me that the three biggest life events are Einschulung (starting first grade), Jugendweihe(becoming a young adult) and getting married.

In Berlin, Einschulung is a huge celebration at the school—on a Saturday!—that includes getting a Zuckertute—a giant child-sized cone filled with everything from pencils to watches to candy. Then there’s another party afterwards with your family and friends. Einschulung is something children look forward to for years. It signals a major life change, and hopefully, an enthusiasm for learning.

Jugendweihe happens when a child turns 14. It involves a similar ceremony, party, and gifts, marking the next stage of growing up. With all the negativity heaped on adolescents, there’s something to be said for this way of celebrating young adulthood.

Take the kids outside everyday. According to a German saying “there is no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing.” The value of outside time is promoted in the schools, hence the “garten” in Kindergarten. It’s also obvious on Berlin’s numerous playgrounds. No matter how cold and grey it gets, and in Berlin it gets pretty cold, parents still bundle their kids up and take them to the park, or send them out on their own.

Which brings me back to that dragon—since moving here, I’ve tried to adopt some of the Berlin attitude, and my 8-year-old has climbed all over the dragon. But I still hesitate to let her walk alone in our very urban neighborhood.

I’ve taken one small step. I let her go to the bakery by herself. It’s just down the stairs and one door over. The first time she did this, she came back beaming, proudly handing me the rolls she bought herself.

I figured there was no need to tell her that her American mother was out on the balcony, watching her the whole time.


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15 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Happier

The New Science of Happiness
Sophia Alexis—Getty Images/Flickr RF

Anyone can feel happier. It's easy. Science says so


Forget success. Forget fame. Forget fortune.

Happiness is somethingeveryone wants, and wants to feel a lot more often–because where happiness is concerned, too much is never enough.

Unfortunately we all have a hereditary “happiness set point.” That means approximately 50% of our happiness is outside of our control. But that means 50% of our level of happiness is totally within our control.

So even if you’re genetically disposed to be somewhat gloomy, you can still do things to make yourself a lot happier. (Choosing not to do certain things will make you happier, too.)

So doesn’t it make sense to create habits and build a lifestyle that allows you to feel more satisfied and more fulfilled?

Check out this infographic on the science of happiness fromHappify…and start making changes that will make you feel a lot happier.

This post is in partnership with Inc., which offers useful advice, resources and insights to entrepreneurs and business owners. The article above was originally published at Inc.com.


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10 Actual Ways To Make Your Love Last In This Cynical Generation

love
Alexia LaFata
 

When it comes to love and marriage, we Millennials are notoriously cynical.

We have high standards. We’re finicky. TIME calls us a generation that’s been raised on “a wedding industry that could fund a small nation, but marriages that end before the ink has dried.”

Although the vast majority of Millennials (69 percent, according to Pew) do want to get married, we just have a lot of reservations: We have parents whose marriages we’ve seen crumble, the overwhelming pressure of the hook-up culture, and a feeling that we’re a constant work in progress that might never be ready to bring someone else into the picture. It makes sense that we’re skeptical of the idea of “’til death do us part.”

I’ll admit that besides being calmer on the heart, there’s a certain appeal to being cynical. Social psychologist Jennifer Bosson tells New York Magazine that there’s “something really powerful about the discovery of shared negative attitudes.”

Her research suggests that people enthusiastically connect when they have something to mutually hate, so groups of people who bemoan the same things — in this case, love — can form super strong social bonds.

However, Dr. Barton Goldsmith, voted as one of America’s best therapists by Cosmopolitan and the book “The Complete Marriage Counselor,” offers 10 pieces of advice to cynics like us about making love truly last forever. According to him, it really is possible.

1. Be kind.

Do simple, nice things for each other, like open doors for each other, cook each other nice meals, and say “I love you” frequently. These little moments of kindness get lost when couples experience problems.


2. Make your partner smile.

Finding little things to make your partner smile might sound like common sense, but it’s something that falls to the wayside too quickly.

Dr. Goldsmith calls it “the Scavenger Hunt.” He looks for something — whether it’s a flower, a keychain or a quote — to make his partner smile every day. It lets her know she’s always on his mind.


3. Don’t let small, annoying behaviors detract from your relationship.

For the most part, if little things about your partner piss you off, let them go. Remind yourself that they aren’t ruining your relationship, and that they’re unimportant.

However, if you have to have a conversation with your partner about how they watch the television too loudly or chew too audibly, keep it as light-hearted as possible. These things can be fixed.


4. Don’t argue in front of your children.

When parents fight in front of their kids, it makes kids nervous that their family is falling apart. Dr. Goldsmith says that a good relationship is “the greatest gift parents can give to their children.”


5. Find the good in your partner.

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your partner, focus on the positive — and then tell your partner all of the wonderful things you notice.

Dr. Goldsmith emphasizes:

Some people go on a detective-like search for things that their partners do wrong, maybe because they want some ammo for the next time they have an issue, but telling your mate what he or she is doing right may well prevent that imaginary issue from ever coming up.


6. Don’t “blame, shame, or complain.”

Before doing any of these things, it’s important to ask yourself how what you’re going to say will make your partner feel, and then, if it will make things better or worse.

Pointing fingers is easy, but it’s more effective to tell your partner what you’d like him or her to do differently and offer examples. And most importantly, Dr. Goldsmith implores you to “please do it in a nice way.”

Please.


7. Write and leave around love notes.

Leaving a small “I love you” note in your partner’s coat pocket or desk drawer is a powerful way to show your affection for him or her.

It’s kind of cheesy, but Dr. Goldsmith says it’s effective. In fact, any time you can remind your partner of your affection for him or her, even if it’s tiny doses, do it. It’ll raise your partner’s spirits and motivate him or her to get through the day.


8. Be (non-sexually) physical.

Hold hands while walking outside, cuddle on the sofa or touch the small of their back in public.

These non-sexual, physically affectionate moments may seem unimportant, but they will strengthen both your physical and emotional connection with your partner.


9. Have frequent family dinners.

Whether it’s just you and your partner, or if you have kids in the mix, having dinner as a family will bring everyone closer. If you do have kids, make sure you schedule one-on-one date nights for the two of you, as well.


10. Trust that this person is The One.

In order for your relationship to last forever, you have to fully, wholeheartedly trust that you made the right choice, even if rough patches arise.

If you don’t trust your decision, you won’t devote your whole heart and soul into the relationship, and it will crumble.

Love is not a series of calculations and checklists. Love requires leaps of faith, confidence in both yourself and your partner and, above all, a belief in its power.


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Laura ShinContributor

I write about personal finance, career, business, the economy and tech

Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

PERSONAL FINANCE  353,650 views

How This Couple Retired In Their 30s To Travel The World

Jeremy graduated from college on a Friday, started working on cell phone design at Motorola on a Monday and worked 80 hours a week for the next four or five years. What fueled his work ethic was $40,000 in debt — $35,000 from student loans and $5,000 in credit card debt for food and other essentials.

But his desire to keep up with his peers led him, on his $40,000 salary, to buy a new car and a three-bedroom house, which turned his previous bike ride to work into a 40-minute commute. The added debt got him to focus on his finances, so he began making models of how he could pay it off, mapped out his trajectory to retirement at 65 and began investing. He then used credit card checks charging 0% interest for 12 months to pay big chunks of his mortgage, his student loan and car loan.

When he started working at Microsoft and moved from Chicago to Seattle, getting a salary bump up to $85,000, he made many of the same decisions (which he now calls mistakes) again: buying a house, having a long commute, and not taking a vacation. Three years in, a girlfriend convinced him to take his first real, multi-week vacation — to the Philippines. He spent the first week thinking about work, checking email. But the scuba diving, mangoes and and tropical drinks began to have an effect, and by the third week, he was wondering how he could live like this every day.

He sold his house, began renting close to work and biking to the office. With his costs slashed, he was able to save. At a conference in Beijing, he met his future wife, Winnie, who is from Taiwan and had been saving 50% of her salary in order to travel. Now, Jeremy, 40, and Winnie, 36, are financially independent, travel the world and blog about their envious lifestyle on GoCurryCracker.com. (The site is named for their rallying cry derived from their favorite snack on their honeymoon hiking Mt. Rainier in Washington, during which they endured bone-soaking rain and encountered mosquitoes as big as bats.)

Here’s the story of how they saved enough to retire in their 30s — Jeremy at 38 and Winnie at 33 — and how they’ve been spending their money and time since.

How did you achieve your early retirement?

J: While I was at Motorola, pretty much every penny of income went toward paying off my $40,000 in debt. If I had $10 at the end of the month, I paid an extra $10 to the student loan. I did contribute to my 401(k) but I took out a loan on it to buy a house and when I sold that house to move to Seattle, I had to pay that back.

By the time I changed jobs, I didn’t have much savings per se. But I was close to being debt free. At Microsoft, I started out at a high savings rate — I was contributing to my 401(k), maxing that out and saving more on the side. After I met Winnie and we decided to retire early, we started reading books like “Your Money or Your Life” and improved on that until we were saving upwards of 70% of income. My last two years working, we were depositing pretty much my entire paycheck into my brokerage account, because we were living off dividends and interest.

We lived close to the university and could walk everywhere, so we didn’t have a car. I was commuting by bicycle — 8 to 20 miles every day. We got most of our food at a farmer’s market and CSA. The biggest part of your income is housing, transportation and food, and those three things were cut really aggressively, so our monthly spend was less than $2,000 a month at the end.

I probably worked three years too long, or we saved too much. The goal was always that we wanted to travel, and once we quit, there was a year and a half of bouncing through Mexico and Central America, and then we came to Taiwan to have the baby.


(Courtesy of Go Curry Cracker)

How much were you earning? 

Jeremy: When I started out of college, I was making about $40,000 a year, and that went up to more than $50,000 by the time I left. At Microsoft, I started at $85,000 a year and by the end of my 12 years there, I was at around $140,000.

Winnie: I worked in the same industry — phones and computers, and my last job was project manager at Dell. I was making about $32,000 in Taiwan.

Jeremy: We got married five years ago, so Winnie quit when we got married and moved to Seattle, so the last three or four years before we retried, when my salary was at its highest, she wasn’t working.

Winnie: I was a freeloader.

Winnie, when you were working for Dell in Taipei, what were your savings habits?

Winnie: The living cost here is quite cheap if you want to live cheaply, so I could save at least half of my income.

Just in a savings account?

We have something like a 401(k) but it’s run by the government, so I also maximized it, and the rest went to my personal savings account and my brokerage account.

So you invested it?

Yes.

Did you have a specific target amount of money that you were trying to save before you retried? 

Winnie: When we got married, the idea was that we’d quit that day and start traveling, so that’s why I quit my job here. But Jeremy said, I think we might need to wait another three years. He liked the project he was on.

Jeremy: I didn’t want to quit in the middle of it. The very original version of the plan revolved around being scuba bums — traveling to the best scuba diving sites around the world and having a partial income from working as scuba instructors.

Winnie: We were trying to think of what we could do for income while traveling.

Jeremy: Then, we talked to real scuba bums who were trapped in the developing world because they had no money and couldn’t afford a plane ticket home.

We would go to the library and get books on investing and learned about the 4% rule [which says that withdrawals from retirement saving of 4% will primarily be from interest and dividends, which would help maintain a balance from which funds can continue to be withdrawn for a number of years], so we built milestones on it. We could see when our investments could, for instance, support us living full-time in the Philippines. Then they would support us living full-time in Thailand. We worked our way up to the point where it could support our lifestyle in the U.S. That was just a straight up 25 times our annual expenses.

What was your lifestyle? And what did your friends think?

Winnie: We’d do potlucks where people brought their own food.

Jeremy: We also did happy hours. Some of our friends had a beautiful outdoor patio area where we did group dinners, and we also did quite a bit of hiking. There was a beautiful outdoor area 20-30 minutes away, and you’d go out there and have a full day’s entertainment for a few bucks of gas. A lot of our friends would spend ridiculous amounts of money compared to what we were spending. When we said, hey, would you want to come over to our small apartment near the university and have Winnie’s home-cooked food, they would rush over. Winnie could compete quite well on Master Chef. It was: Hey, do you want to spend $50 on brunch? Or would you like to come over our house and have this amazing six-course meal?

Our apartment was 900 square feet. We did, for a time, live in a 400-square-foot apartment. It was definitely too small. We were definitely testing our boundaries. Nine hundred square feet is a beautiful size for two people live in, but the average home size today is something like 2,400 square feet. I think we would just feel lost in something like that, like in a giant cave.

One of our friends has a 6,000-square-foot home on the lake. Our friend who did the outdoor party on the patio — his place is 1,800 square feet. For our friends’ places, 1,800 to 2,000 square feet was probably typical. We were paying $980. Rent for a smaller apartment in the hipster neighborhood would probably have been $1,800, and renting a house probably would have cost us $2,000-$3,000.

What was your investment strategy?

Jeremy: It evolved over time, but the vast majority of it was just index fund-invested. Much of our money is just in the Vanguard Total Stock Market Index Fund and the Vanguard Total International Stock Index Fund. I read some online forums for early retirement, some Jack Bogle, and Warren Buffett’s advice on focusing on passive index investing. And then you take standard modern asset allocation theory, which says, keep a small percent in bonds, a small percent in REITs [real estate investment trusts], and the rest invested in a split between in total market and total international. And partially because we are looking at a hopefully 60+ year retirement, we have the vast majority of our assets invested in stocks, to get long-term growth to ride us out for our lifetimes.

When the financial crisis hit, how did that affect your plan? 

Jeremy: On paper, we lost $400,000, but I was mostly upset that I didn’t have more cash to buy more stock. I looked at it as a fire sale on stock, and I wanted to buy more at a discount. I had a little cash and used all of that to buy more stock. I even wondered, should I take out a loan to buy more stock? Two years later, we were far more wealthy than we were at the beginning of it. As long as you don’t panic and sell at the bottom and get out of the market completely, the overall market shouldn’t affect you much at all. We’re maybe even stronger for it. Maybe the psychological effect was that I worked a few years longer, and that’s why I said, hey, there’s this really interesting project at work. I partially wanted to ride the market crash out and save a little bit more.

When did you know you had enough to quit it all? How much did you have when you retired?

Jeremy: We knew we had enough after that three-year period. I’ve never talked about net worth publicly before, but we share every penny we spend and highlight how much of a net worth can support that. We can fund our whole lifestyle on $1 million. We’ve been spending $40K a year, minus one-time baby expenses last year.

Do you need to move to a foreign country to make this lifestyle work? 

Winnie: Even in Seattle, we spent $40,000 a year.

Jeremy: When we were in Mexico, we were spending less than $3,000 a month, we had a three-bedroom house in the middle of San Miguel de Allende. We almost bought a house there to use as a base. We would eat out two to three times a day, go out for drinks with friends, we had a gardener and a housekeeper, and all of that was $2,500 a month. Trying to transport that lifestyle to the U.S. would certainly cost much more, but we’d substitute things — we wouldn’t go out for drinks. You don’t pay $15 for a martini. You make one on the front patio. Certainly taking that lifestyle to Manhattan would raise the price.

Do you have any income now?

Last year, the blog made $2,000. It’s a hobby that has the server fees paid for by the ad income. But all of our income comes from dividends and interest. We just live off them. I do a pretty active tax management of those assets, so in 2013 and 2014, we paid $0 tax while also converting about $20,000 a year to our Roth IRA to make that money tax-free forever. I’ve published our actual tax returns on the blog the last few years to show what that looks like in practice. Our plan is to, over the next 30 years, to convert our entire 401(k) into a Roth IRA so we pay no tax going in and no tax going out, so overall, we’ll be looking at $3 million in income over the next 30 years all tax-free.

We track expenses pretty closely, just so we can report them for information and education purposes on the blog, but otherwise, I never really pay attention to it. If we want something, we buy it, if we want to do an activity, we do it.

What do you do for health insurance?

I have no insurance, but Winnie and the baby are covered by the Taiwan healthcare system while we are here. It’s roughly $25 a month. I choose to pay cash and invest the savings. When I have health expenses in the future, we will have the money. We used to have a high-deductible health plan in the U.S. just in case we developed a disease that was expensive to treat and we decided to treat it in the U.S. We had that before Obamacare, when insurers could decline to cover you if you had a pre-existing condition. Now that insurers can’t deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, we decided not to keep our health care and simply pay for it in whatever country we are living in. We actually qualify for subsidized health insurance in the U.S., but choose not to have it.  We can’t use it abroad, and it seems unfair to accept subsidies we don’t need.

What have you done since retiring?

Jeremy: We went to Mexico with the idea that we would study Spanish and travel through Central and South America. We thought we’d be in Mexico for two months, but nine months later we were still in Mexico.

Winnie: We’d make friends with local people.

Jeremy: We’d practice the local language. When we were in San Miguel de Allende, which is a Unesco World Heritage City, we took Spanish classes for a month. Winnie took jewelry making and painting. The whole reason San Miguel de Allende developed was silver mining, so there are all these small silver jewelry artisans there, and Winnie was working with one of them. I was doing quite a bit of hiking, and we did a 900-kilometer bike ride around the island.

Winnie: In the beginning, we were very ambitious, like we’ll finish the whole continent in a year or two, but then we were like, we have 60 years.

Jeremy: It was an interesting change. Before then, all of our vacations had been two weeks long.

Winnie: I just threw away the list.

Jeremy: We went at a much slower, relaxed pace. We went to Guatemala for a few months, we went to Belize.

Winnie: Cuba.

Jeremy: Then we went back to the U.S., did camping and hiking around Western Washington and Oregon and then we went back to Mexico. Then we had the biological-clock-is-ticking conversation and then we came back to Taiwan to do in vitro fertilization, because here it costs 20%-30% of what it costs in the U.S. The thinking was we’d do IVF, start traveling again and have the baby in Europe, but we had some early miscarriage scare stuff, and Winnie was put on bed rest for a while, so we decided to play it safe and stay put till the baby was born. Our plan is not to stay here.

Winnie: We change our plan every 10 minutes.

Jeremy: We’ve been working through different ideas — spend a year in Spain, take an RV and drive around the U.S., or drive around Mexico. We’ll see how the pregnancy goes and see how our child’s personality is.

Update Tuesday. March 31, 11:35pm, Eastern Time: This post has been updated to include information about Go Curry Cracker’s health insurance.

Laura Shin is the author of the Forbes eBook, The Millennial Game Plan: Career And Money Secrets For Today’s World. Available for Apple iBooks, Amazon Kindle, Nook and Vook.


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How I Saved My Marriage

육아 2015. 4. 1. 07:29

How I Saved My Marriage

Posted: Updated: 
HAPPY COUPLE

(Dedicated to my sweetheart.)

My oldest daughter, Jenna, recently said to me, "My greatest fear as a child was that you and mom would get divorced. Then, when I was twelve, I decided that you fought so much that maybe it would be better if you did." Then she added with a smile. "I'm glad you guys figured things out."

For years my wife Keri and I struggled. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure what initially drew us together, but our personalities didn't quite match up. And the longer we were married the more extreme the differences seemed. Encountering "fame and fortune" didn't make our marriage any easier. In fact, it exacerbated our problems. The tension between us got so bad that going out on book tour became a relief, though it seems we always paid for it on re-entry. Our fighting became so constant that it was difficult to even imagine a peaceful relationship. We became perpetually defensive, building emotional fortresses around our hearts. We were on the edge of divorce and more than once we discussed it.

I was on book tour when things came to a head. We had just had another big fight on the phone and Keri had hung up on me. I was alone and lonely, frustrated and angry. I had reached my limit.

That's when I turned to God. Or turned on God. I don't know if you could call it prayer -- maybe shouting at God isn't prayer, maybe it is-but whatever I was engaged in I'll never forget it. I was standing in the shower of the Buckhead, Atlanta Ritz-Carlton yelling at God that marriage was wrong and I couldn't do it anymore. As much as I hated the idea of divorce, the pain of being together was just too much. I was also confused. I couldn't figure out why marriage with Keri was so hard. Deep down I knew that Keri was a good person. And I was a good person. So why couldn't we get along? Why had I married someone so different than me? Why wouldn't she change?

Finally, hoarse and broken, I sat down in the shower and began to cry. In the depths of my despair powerful inspiration came to me. You can't change her, Rick. You can only change yourself. At that moment I began to pray. If I can't change her, God, then change me. I prayed late into the night. I prayed the next day on the flight home. I prayed as I walked in the door to a cold wife who barely even acknowledged me. That night, as we lay in our bed, inches from each other yet miles apart, the inspiration came. I knew what I had to do.

The next morning I rolled over in bed next to Keri and asked, "How can I make your day better?"

Keri looked at me angrily. "What?"

"How can I make your day better?"

"You can't," she said. "Why are you asking that?"

"Because I mean it," I said. "I just want to know what I can do to make your day better.

"She looked at me cynically.

"You want to do something? Go clean the kitchen.

"She likely expected me to get mad. Instead I just nodded. "Okay."

I got up and cleaned the kitchen.

The next day I asked the same thing. "What can I do to make your day better?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Clean the garage."

I took a deep breath. I already had a busy day and I knew she had made the request in spite. I was tempted to blow up at her.

Instead I said, "Okay." I got up and for the next two hours cleaned the garage. Keri wasn't sure what to think.The next morning came.

"What can I do to make your day better?"

"Nothing!" she said. "You can't do anything. Please stop saying that.""I'm sorry," I said. "But I can't.

I made a commitment to myself. What can I do to make your day better?""Why are you doing this?""Because I care about you," I said.

"And our marriage."The next morning I asked again. And the next. And the next. Then, during the second week, a miracle occurred. As I asked the question Keri's eyes welled up with tears. Then she broke down crying. When she could speak she said, "Please stop asking me that. You're not the problem. I am. I'm hard to live with. I don't know why you stay with me.

"I gently lifted her chin until she was looking in my eyes. "It's because I love you," I said. "What can I do to make your day better?""I should be asking you that.""You should," I said. "But not now. Right now, I need to be the change. You need to know how much you mean to me."She put her head against my chest. "I'm sorry I've been so mean.""I love you," I said."I love you," she replied."What can I do to make your day better?"She looked at me sweetly. "Can we maybe just spend some time together?"I smiled. "I'd like that."I continued asking for more than a month. And things did change. The fighting stopped. Then Keri began asking, "What do you need from me? How can I be a better wife?"

The walls between us fell. We began having meaningful discussions on what we wanted from life and how we could make each other happier. No, we didn't solve all our problems. I can't even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they'd once had. We'd deprived them of oxygen. We just didn't have it in us to hurt each other anymore.

Keri and I have now been married for more than thirty years. I not only love my wife, I like her. I like being with her. I crave her. I need her. Many of our differences have become strengths and the others don't really matter. We've learned how to take care of each other and, more importantly, we've gained the desire to do so. Marriage is hard. But so is parenthood and keeping fit and writing books and everything else important and worthwhile in my life. To have a partner in life is a remarkable gift. I've also learned that the institution of marriage can help heal us of our most unlovable parts. And we all have unlovable parts.

Through time I've learned that our experience was an illustration of a much larger lesson about marriage. The question everyone in a committed relationship should ask their significant other is, "What can I do to make your life better?" That is love. Romance novels (and I've written a few) are all about desire and happily-ever-after, but happily-ever-after doesn't come from desire-at least not the kind portrayed in most pulp romances. Real love is not to desire a person, but to truly desire their happiness-sometimes, even, at the expense of our own happiness. Real love is not to make another person a carbon copy of one's self. It is to expand our own capabilities of tolerance and caring, to actively seek another's well being. All else is simply a charade of self-interest.

I'm not saying that what happened to Keri and me will work for everyone. I'm not even claiming that all marriages should be saved. But for me, I am incredibly grateful for the inspiration that came to me that day so long ago. I'm grateful that my family is still intact and that I still have my wife, my best friend, in bed next to me when I wake in the morning. And I'm grateful that even now, decades later, every now and then, one of us will still roll over and say, "What can I do to make your day better." Being on either side of that question is something worth waking up for.


Posted by water_
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9 days of Caribbean Islands - greatness of life. waking up every morning to different sceneries. the phenomena continues to the post travel days. arrived home last night. glad to be home, yet reality feels less adorned. 


focus: 


loans

school 

conference Idaho 

ippe 

wedding body 100 lbs 


work ?



focus on what is important 


love yourself more than anything else ever - be love 




plank 

reverse plank 

scarf 

squat 


더 이상 감당이 어려울 시 

살아있는 것이 천국이다 , 행복한 사람들과 행복하기 - 여기.


drink water 

remember her 

role model



busy is never the reason 


Posted by water_
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10 Honest Marriage Vows You Never Hear At Weddings

Posted: Updated: 

WEDDING VOWS

Love is patient, love is kind, love endures, blah blah blah, isn't it all wonderful? Vowing to persevere through sickness and health and in wealth and poverty is tradition, and it's comfortable when associated with lace and roses. But hasn't it proven to be fairly useless when it comes to forging marriages that last forever? How many people have mouthed the words, "until we are parted by death" while privately plotting to move on as soon as a more attractive option presents itself?

Here's a set of wedding vows with practical merit. They might sound unconventional and unromantic. They're certainly not poetic, but these promises, if kept, will go far in sealing a marriage for the ages.

1. I promise to clarify my expectations.

A marriage ends because a spouse has failed to meet the expectations their partner brought to the marriage. Expectations are unique, and come packaged inside your fiancé's brain. You may think these things are obvious or universal, that "everyone knows" what makes a good husband, what makes a good wife. But the truth is, your expectations are yours alone -- spawned from your experiences and locked in your head. There is nothing you can assume about your partner's idea of what a good marriage looks like. No harm will come from being very specific and concrete about exactly what you want, not just in bed but in the bank account, at the dinner table, with regard to parenting and everything else. If you're too shy to mention what you believe is the right way to behave, and you're hoping everything will become obvious as time goes on, you're not ready to get married. Get it all in the open, and keep putting it out in the open. If someone fails you, they should have to do it by choice, and not have ignorance as an excuse.

2. I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to money.

One of the biggest adjustments when entering marriage is joint finances. From being on your own and subject only to your own ups and downs, you're now responsible for another person, or you're depending on another person. That can be scary. Here's a vow you can make that will help: If your spouse spends a lot of money on something, trust that they know what they're doing. Trust them until it becomes impossible not to trust them. Don't come out of the gate suspicious. Here's why you can do this: You didn't marry an idiot. Right? If you think they're overspending this month, chances are they're expecting a special check, or they're compensating for underspending last month, or something else. This is not a fool; this is your spouse. Surrender the worry that they're going to drive you into financial ruin. Give the benefit of the doubt. If they really do appear to be ruining you, then the last benefit of the doubt you can give is that they don't know any better and need help. Help kindly and respectfully, not with judgment and blame.

3. I promise to make sure I'm not just hungry before I yell at you.

Do your wife or husband a favor: Eat your favorite sandwich and then come back and yell at her/him all you want, if you still feel like it.

4. I promise not to give in to you for the sole purpose of using my compliance against you later.

Some people call this passive aggressive behavior, but this is a very specific maneuver that you can understand and avoid: Being the good person, even though you don't want to, is not always good. Being so compliant and docile that a halo pops out of your hair and lofts itself over you, bathing you in its golden light, is sometimes a trick, and you really intend to strangle your spouse with that halo somewhere down the road. Being so good that next time there's an argument, you can point back to this moment as an example of how your goodness practically rent the sky in half -- that's not goodness. Don't do that. It's not going to help in the long run. If you don't want to do something, fight not to do it. If you want to do something, fight to do it. Be honest and don't posture.

5. I promise to defend you to others, even if you are wrong.

Your spouse is going encounter plenty of haters and critics. Don't join them. Ever. In the privacy of your pillow, or your sofa, or your minivan, you can have conversations that need to be had, if there's really something that needs to be addressed. But you don't need to agree with someone who's calling him a boor, or her an idiot. There is nothing uglier than watching a husband degrade his wife or a wife demean her husband in front of other people. It doesn't make you smart or funny. It's just a low behavior. Your spouse's criticism hurts plenty, even if it's private and kind. If it's public and rude, it's almost unbearable.

6. I promise to try to put you before the children.

This is tricky, because your biological imperative will be to put the children first. Your physiology will be directing you to eat the face off your spouse if he or she threatens the children's progress and happiness in any way. This is why it's possible to make this promise to each other: to really try to prioritize each other sometimes, even though the children are absorbing so much of your life. In reality, if you truly prioritize your spouse and leave your children out on the porch in a dirty diaper in the rain, the police will come. But because you're a normal person and not some child-abusing monster, you're not going to do that. Making this promise might actually result in some time spent together as a couple, some choices made for the benefit of Dad's or Mom's agenda and goals instead of the kids' activities all the time, and some needed balance.

7. I promise to do the stuff neither of us wants to do, if you really don't want to do it more than I don't.

My husband hates to do the dishes. He really hates it and thinks it is disgusting. I do not like to look at spreadsheets or think about money. At all. It gives me panting fits. Now, I don't especially want to do the dishes either. Nobody wants to do the dishes. But I'm okay doing the dishes -- yes, every single time, even if I also cooked the dinner, even if he left a plate full of gravy and broccoli bits hardening in the sink. I don't really care that much, and I'm not going to stand on principle to try and chase some goal of "fairness" and make him do the dishes half the time. If fairness were what we were after, then I would have to pay attention to the checking account and have a budget and worry about mortgages. And I don't. That's not fair either. But we don't care because we've made this promise:

8. I promise not to keep score.

You can't win marriage. There are no points. Any reckoning or score-keeping on your part is only going to result in told-you-so trumpeting or sad dissatisfaction. Not keeping score means you don't have to pay back the good stuff, and you don't get to punish the failures. It also means you can give freely, and that you have a soft place to fall when you fail yourself. There are consequences for every action -- good and bad. That is true. But "forgive and forget" works two ways -- you forget the good stuff you did and the bad stuff he/she did. In return you can expect your bad stuff to be forgotten, and your spouse to give you good stuff without measure.

9. I promise to not care if you get fat or skinny or old.

I'm talking about getting fat, people. Butt, huge. Arms, wiggly. I'm also talking about hot bodies wasting away to nothing. Boobs, gone. Butt, gone. Can we talk about hair falling out? Not just boy hair, but girl hair too. Weird moles developing. Facial hair getting thicker or thinner. Googly eyes. The truth is, you don't really care about these things. Your favorite person is your favorite person until the end of time, even if their head falls off or they grow a third leg. Even if a dragon comes and eats off the lower half of their body or they turn purple or get warts. You know what matters is on the inside, and you can articulate it. If you want to utter the most romantic words a woman will ever hear, say, "I will love you forever, babe, even if you get wicked fat." Trust me. Your skinny fiancé will love you for this.

10. I promise to put your happiness before mine.

Really it all boils down to this, doesn't it? You promise to subvert your needs, your wants, your goals and priorities, to those of your spouse. And he or she does the same for you. If you're both working for the other's happiness, earnestly and sincerely, then you're both going to be ridiculously happy. Here's the key though: It's not enough to sublimate yourself and be a virtuous martyr for his/her dreams to come true. You also have to allow your spouse to do the same for you. You have to be able to say "Okay!" when he says "Go!" To say "Thanks!" when she says "I don't mind!" And trust that when it's your turn to reverse roles, you'll do the very same. Because in the end, it's not even selflessness. It's working for the common good. And if you can't say you'll do that, then "until we are parted by death" is just going to be a long, dull, sad life sentence.

In my opinion, if you can't wholeheartedly vow these things, you shouldn't be getting married. Yep, it's a little tougher to promise "in fatness and in emaciation, even if my mother hates you" than it is to promise "in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all others." But which is really braver, and what promise more meaningful?


Posted by water_
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Falling In Love Is Easy — It’s Staying In Love That’s Hard

tumblr_njod3mVbQZ1qdq5dlo1_1280
Belyn Lai

I’ve fallen in love twice and stayed in love once.

When it happened the first time, I was naïve, emotional and idealistic, but was left extremely broken and unaware.

I spent a lot of time thinking about why things didn’t work out how we had intended. It was easy until it wasn’t.

The second time I fell in love was quite the opposite experience.

I was cautious, skeptical and built an emotional fortress for protection.

But eventually, it all came crumbling down, brick by brick, until I was back in that familiar place. All that mattered was that he and I were happy and that everything felt good.

And, that’s what falling in love is. It’s a natural high, a rush of intense emotions — anticipation, warmth, euphoria and fear — that takes you by force.

You never really see it coming, and then unexpectedly, it all catches up and you eventually realize there’s no turning back.

When you find yourself at that sweet spot, you think, “This is where I want to be. I want to stay right here, forever.”

As we fall in love, our affections effortlessly motivate us.

These feelings propel us to make some of the most irrational decisions or perform unexpected, romantic tasks, like staying up all night, talking on the phone despite having midterms or an important client meeting the next day, making breakfast just because or driving 400 miles to spend a day with him or her.

Emotions, especially love, passion and happiness, are our strongest motivators because we will do anything to maintain them.

However, we often fail to realize that it never lasts. What goes up, must come down and sometimes, the high lasts for a couple of months and sometimes, it can last for a couple of years.

We are often blinded by the illusion that everything good is infinite and invincible. Once you come down and reality sinks, it gets a little tricky.


When the feelings subside, we must work twice as hard to maintain and deepen the relationships.

The emotions become less intense until they stabilize into something that is just a part of your everyday life. Without the intensity, the motivation eventually fades, and that’s when things get comfortable.

Once you’re in the comfort zone, the relationship either becomes stale and unappealing (this is when things don’t work out) or it evolves into a two-player team (this is when you stay in love), depending on what you do next.

If you truly want to stay in love, you must always choose love — a choice built on the foundations of communication, acceptance and selflessness.

It means being honest with your significant other while being true to yourself and understanding that compromises are the key to all healthy relationships.

It means connecting and sometimes disconnecting, but always discussing your feelings without blame, assumption and insults so that you never go to bed angry.

It means knowing that your partner will make mistakes, but always speaking before reacting so that the two of you can learn and grow from the experience.

It means that even when you don’t feel love in any given moment, you do not give in to the short-term emotions and will instead behave and communicate with tenderness and patience, share your vulnerabilities and consciously decide to forgive and move forward.


In the end, the effort is in the decisions you make.

Making a decision on anything isn’t easy because it requires consciousness and careful thought, whereas emotions can master you without your consent.

Choosing love is choosing selflessness and taking a much higher road — a task that is not easily done, as we are all inherently in it for ourselves.

However, if we realize that temporary is easy, but forever is hard, we’ll consistently work for the things and the people who are worth fighting for while enjoying the magic and enchantment of all that is finite.

Posted by water_
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kakaoed photo of the ring to all in korea and across the country for friends and chang jun. realizing once again the step we are taking. feels as if knowing and yet not knowing where i am walking towards. happy that everyone is happy and that we make each other happy. the title of first felt uncomfortable is morphing to a more comfortable nook, feels like it is mine and i like it. the attention and the slight awkwardness, is part of the happy step. it is a process not flawless, but smoother than most. it is good, and becoming more and more comfortable. 

announced engagement during sharing minutes at meditation. moment i said he proposed, all ten people gasped. and congratulated. lady gaga also announced her engagement ring over instagram. that lady pulling forever nemesis move on me, typical. shared the rivalry with him who cursed her out lol. 

sitting at starbucks, yielded a table to a group having a meeting. he gift carded me as appreciation. sun has been bright for the past four days. the stranger wrote an article about the exceptional shine. it is glorious and much appreciated. 


school schedule fairly manageable, amazing. next quarter has been scheduled in full, excited. mock interview tomorrow  at the headquarters. seemingly eventful yet low key in stress. wishing the best for a far cousin interviewing today. again realizing how all shuffles, everyday. realizing my easiness on how i have it. life is a glide.



omg it's march, and the wedding is june, and its march. 

last meditation class, with food and crayon drawings. sharing our lives with initially strangers, now, still strangers. crayon drawings turned out rather intriguing. apparently three months can be a while. drawing seemed more about me than the things i do. perhaps the change is in me or it is from the level of comfort and safety of the people. i'm happy. need changes, but happy. as leaving, she gave me a hug and said, "be great."


mistakes of shame, debate of sharing. breathe deep and cry about it .. let it go. 

shared with mom and she said all is fine and will be taken care of. do yourself and carry on as in no damage done, no questions asked. 





carribean islands were beyond words surreal. the shades of emerald sapphire. the endlessness of continuing waves ranging from inches to miles. the endlessness, the endlessness


health condition worse than pre-vacation. need management quick. 

call grandma daily 

call mom wed 

call youngsung thurs 

call jin mon 



Posted by water_
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Why Readers, Scientifically, Are The Best People To Fall In Love With

cititul
Lauren Martin
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/date-reader-readers-best-people-fall-love-scientifically-proven/662017/

Ever finished a book? I mean, truly finished one? Cover to cover. Closed the spine with that slow awakening that comes with reentering consciousness?

You take a breath, deep from the bottom of your lungs and sit there. Book in both hands, your head staring down at the cover, back page or wall in front of you.

You’re grateful, thoughtful, pensive. You feel like a piece of you was just gained and lost. You’ve just experienced something deep, something intimate. (Maybe, erotic?) You just had an intense and somewhat transient metamorphosis.

Like falling in love with a stranger you will never see again, you ache with the yearning and sadness of an ended affair, but at the same time, feel satisfied. Full from the experience, the connection, the richness that comes after digesting another soul. You feel fed, if only for a little while.

This type of reading, according to TIME magazine’s Annie Murphy Paul, is called “deep reading,” a practice that is soon to be extinct now that people are skimming more and reading less.

Readers, like voicemail leavers and card writers, are now a dying breed, their numbers decreasing with every GIF list and online tabloid.

The worst part about this looming extinction is that readers are proven to be nicer and smarter than the average human, and maybe the only people worth falling in love with on this shallow hell on earth.

According to both 2006 and 2009 studies published by Raymond Mar, a psychologist at York University in Canada, and Keith Oatley, a professor of cognitive psychology at the University of Toronto, those who read fiction are capable of the most empathy and “theory of mind,” which is the ability to hold opinions, beliefs and interests apart from their own.

They can entertain other ideas, without rejecting them and still retain their own. While this is supposed to be an innate trait in all humans, it requires varying levels of social experiences to bring into fruition and probably the reason your last partner was such a narcissist.

Did you ever see your ex with a book? Did you ever talk about books? If you didn’t, maybe you should think about changing your type.

It’s no surprise that readers are better people. Having experienced someone else’s life through abstract eyes, they’ve learned what it’s like to leave their bodies and see the world through other frames of reference.

They have access to hundreds of souls, and the collected wisdom of all them. They have seen things you’ll never understand and have experienced deaths of people you’ll never know.

They’ve learned what it’s like to be a woman, and a man. They know what it’s like to watch someone suffer. They are wise beyond their years.

Another 2010 study by Mar reinforces this idea with results that prove the more stories children have read to them, the keener their “theory of mind.” So while everyone thinks their kids are the best, the ones who read have the edge as they truly are the wiser, more adaptable and understanding children.

Because reading is something that molds you and adds to your character. Each triumph, lesson and pivotal moment of the protagonist becomes your own.

Every ache, pain and harsh truth becomes yours to bear. You’ve traveled with authors and experienced the pain, sorrow and anguish they suffered while writing through it. You’ve lived a thousand lives and come back to learn from each of them.

If you’re still looking for someone to complete you, to fill the void of your singly-healed heart, look for the breed that’s dying out. You will find them in coffee shops, parks and subways.

You will see them with backpacks, shoulder bags and suitcases. They will be inquisitive and soulful, and you will know by the first few minutes of talking to them.

They Won’t Talk To You… They’ll Speak To You

They will write you letters and texts in verse. They are verbose, but not in the obnoxious way. They do not merely answer questions and give statements, but counter with deep thoughts and profound theories. They will enrapture you with their knowledge of words and ideas.

According to the study, “What Reading Does For The Mind” by Anne E. Cunningham of the University of California, Berkeley, reading provides a vocabulary lesson that children could never attain by schooling.

According to Cunningham, “the bulk of vocabulary growth during a child’s lifetime occurs indirectly through language exposure rather than through direct teaching.”

Do yourself a favor and date someone who really knows how to use their tongue.


They Don’t Just Get You… They Understand You

You should only fall in love with someone who can see your soul. It should be someone who has reached inside you and holds those innermost parts of you no one could find before. It should be someone who doesn’t just know you, but wholly and completely understands you.

According to Psychologist David Comer Kidd, at the New School for Social Research, “What great writers do is to turn you into the writer. In literary fiction, the incompleteness of the characters turns your mind to trying to understand the minds of others.”

This is proved over and over again, the more people take to reading. Their ability to connect with characters they haven’t met makes their understanding of the people around them much easier.

They have the capacity for empathy. They may not always agree with you, but they will try to see things from your point of view.


They’re Not Just Smart… They’re Wise

Being overly smart is obnoxious, being wise is a turn on. There’s something irresistible about someone you can learn from. The need for banter and witty conversation is more imperative than you may believe, and falling in love with a reader will enhance not just the conversation, but the level of it.

According to Cunningham, readers are more intelligent, due to their increased vocabulary and memory skills, along with their ability to spot patterns. They have higher cognitive functions than the average non-reader and can communicate more thoroughly and effectively.

Finding someone who reads is like dating a thousand souls. It’s gaining the experience they’ve gained from everything they’ve ever read and the wisdom that comes with those experiences. It’s like dating a professor, a romantic and an explorer.

If you date someone who reads, then you, too, will live a thousand different lives.

Reading Literature Makes Us Smarter and Nicer

"Deep reading" is vigorous exercise from the brain and increases our real-life capacity for empathy

Book and glasses on table
Getty Images

Gregory Currie, a professor of philosophy at the University of Nottingham, recently argued in the New York Times that we ought not to claim that literature improves us as people, because there is no “compelling evidence that suggests that people are morally or socially better for reading Tolstoy” or other great books.

Actually, there is such evidence. Raymond Mar, a psychologist at York University in Canada, and Keith Oatley, a professor emeritus of cognitive psychology at the University of Toronto, reported in studies published in 2006 and 2009 that individuals who often read fiction appear to be better able to understand other people, empathize with them and view the world from their perspective. This link persisted even after the researchers factored in the possibility that more empathetic individuals might choose to read more novels. A 2010 study by Mar found a similar result in young children: the more stories they had read to them, the keener their “theory of mind,” or mental model of other people’s intentions.

“Deep reading” — as opposed to the often superficial reading we do on the Web — is an endangered practice, one we ought to take steps to preserve as we would a historic building or a significant work of art. Its disappearance would imperil the intellectual and emotional development of generations growing up online, as well as the perpetuation of a critical part of our culture: the novels, poems and other kinds of literature that can be appreciated only by readers whose brains, quite literally, have been trained to apprehend them.


Recent research in cognitive science, psychology and neuroscience has demonstrated that deep reading — slow, immersive, rich in sensory detail and emotional and moral complexity — is a distinctive experience, different in kind from the mere decoding of words. Although deep reading does not, strictly speaking, require a conventional book, the built-in limits of the printed page are uniquely conducive to the deep reading experience. A book’s lack of hyperlinks, for example, frees the reader from making decisions — Should I click on this link or not? — allowing her to remain fully immersed in the narrative.

That immersion is supported by the way the brain handles language rich in detail, allusion and metaphor: by creating a mental representation that draws on the same brain regions that would be active if the scene were unfolding in real life. The emotional situations and moral dilemmas that are the stuff of literature are also vigorous exercise for the brain, propelling us inside the heads of fictional characters and even, studies suggest, increasing our real-life capacity for empathy.

None of this is likely to happen when we’re scrolling through TMZ. Although we call the activity by the same name, the deep reading of books and the information-driven reading we do on the Web are very different, both in the experience they produce and in the capacities they develop. A growing body of evidence suggests that online reading may be less engaging and less satisfying, even for the “digital natives” for whom it is so familiar. Last month, for example, Britain’s National Literacy Trust released the results of a study of 34,910 young people aged 8 to 16. Researchers reported that 39% of children and teens read daily using electronic devices, but only 28% read printed materials every day. Those who read only onscreen were three times less likely to say they enjoy reading very much and a third less likely to have a favorite book. The study also found that young people who read daily only onscreen were nearly two times less likely to be above-average readers than those who read daily in print or both in print and onscreen.


To understand why we should be concerned about how young people read, and not just whether they’re reading at all, it helps to know something about the way the ability to read evolved. “Human beings were never born to read,” notes Maryanne Wolf, director of the Center for Reading and Language Research at Tufts University and author of Proust and the Squid: The Story and Science of the Reading Brain. Unlike the ability to understand and produce spoken language, which under normal circumstances will unfold according to a program dictated by our genes, the ability to read must be painstakingly acquired by each individual. The “reading circuits” we construct are recruited from structures in the brain that evolved for other purposes — and these circuits can be feeble or they can be robust, depending on how often and how vigorously we use them.

The deep reader, protected from distractions and attuned to the nuances of language, enters a state that psychologist Victor Nell, in a study of the psychology of pleasure reading, likens to a hypnotic trance. Nell found that when readers are enjoying the experience the most, the pace of their reading actually slows. The combination of fast, fluent decoding of words and slow, unhurried progress on the page gives deep readers time to enrich their reading with reflection, analysis, and their own memories and opinions. It gives them time to establish an intimate relationship with the author, the two of them engaged in an extended and ardent conversation like people falling in love.


This is not reading as many young people are coming to know it. Their reading is pragmatic and instrumental: the difference between what literary critic Frank Kermode calls “carnal reading” and “spiritual reading.” If we allow our offspring to believe carnal reading is all there is — if we don’t open the door to spiritual reading, through an early insistence on discipline and practice — we will have cheated them of an enjoyable, even ecstatic experience they would not otherwise encounter. And we will have deprived them of an elevating and enlightening experience that will enlarge them as people. Observing young people’s attachment to digital devices, some progressive educators and permissive parents talk about needing to “meet kids where they are,” molding instruction around their onscreen habits. This is mistaken. We need, rather, to show them someplace they’ve never been, a place only deep reading can take them.



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Continue reading the main storyVideo

Our Curse

In this Oscar-nominated documentary, a young couple struggles to overcome every new parent’s worst nightmare: a child born with a life-threatening illness.

 Video by Tomasz Śliwiński on Publish DateFebruary 3, 2015. 
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Four years ago, my newborn son, Leo, was given a diagnosis of a very rare and incurable disorder known as Ondine’s Curse. Also called Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome (C.C.H.S.), the disorder prevents the thousand or so people known to have been born with it from breathing while asleep, and sometimes also while awake. Though the disorder is manageable when treated, our son is likely to need a ventilator for the rest of his life.

This documentary follows my first few months of parenthood — as my wife, Magda, and I confronted the realities of our new life. After Leo finally came home from the hospital, with a collection of medical equipment, we worked hard to tame our fears and slowly adapted to our circumstances. Gradually our perception of Leo changed, too: He evolved from a “curse” (a term we took from the disorder’s name), an alien creature with lots of medical noisy equipment, into our truly beloved son, without whom we could no longer function.

That period of our lives was depressing and devastating. But shooting this film helped us a great deal. It kept us going; instead of succumbing to depression, we could direct our energy into something creative. At the time, we were not sure if we were going to show this film to anyone – it felt much too intimate and private. However, after a few months I realized that we had gone through the universal process of coping with any obstacle, even one that seems impossible at first. It was then that I felt that we should share this experience with others. I decided to complete the film.

For me, the most important thing in editing this film was to trace our emotions as closely as possible and to present the whole story honestly, as we really experienced it. We wanted to show that that even the worst moments of life can be turned into something positive, provided you do not lose hope. For us, the story of our family is one of overcoming the worst, and ultimately, of being truly grateful for what we have.

In December, Leo turned 4 years old. He is a cheerful young boy with a wonderful sense of humor, and is doing very well in school. His speech is still a bit delayed, but we’re helping him with it and I’m sure he will overcome this too – because our son is a real fighter.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/02/opinion/our-curse.html?smid=tw-nytimes 

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